I will...

you simply know everything about me,
but only one thing you don't understand,
i don't tell lie to you.

when you said you can't believe me, no more
that you no longer know which one is true,
and you can't find the truth in words i said anymore,
i know you don't get it, about how much i love you.

i see if this is what you wish,
i accept if you want an end in our relationship,

but, if someday you figure out that 
every little word i said,
and so every little thing i did,
is only in the name of your love
that i told you all the truth


will you understand how terrible this has hurt me?


-p.puteri (FEG to AEC) 
 

Dinding Bernyanyi

oleh P. Puteri

Dulu, dulu sekali, rumah ini begitu sepi. Hening di kala senja. Tenang saat fajar menjelang.

Pada masa itu, suara jangkrik masih terdengar. Kelelawar terbang masih terduga. Musang berkejaran di atas atap masih membuat jantung copot. Erangan kucing masih memecah deru sungai. Dan kicau burung merdu mengiring.

Awan berarak masih dapat terasa. Sinar matahari menyapu kulit dengan damai. Angin siur masih menerbangkan rambut. Dan selalu ada tempat duduk untuk menikmati semua itu.

Masa-masa seperti itu tentu tak tahan selamanya. Hari baru nan kejam menyingsing. Membenamkan masa dulu. Tak ada tempat mengadu hari ini.

Suara ribut. Lantai berdebu. Jarring labah-labah kian menebal. Tempat begitu sempitnya. Manusia bertambah. Manusia tak tau diuntung, yang hidupnya sama hinanya dengan kotoran got.

Barang-barang rusak. Asap rokok mengepul kesana-kemari. Nyamuk merajalela. Perut kelaparan. Mata menangis. Hati teriris.

Kutemukan alat penutup telinga di kemudian hari saat usiaku sepenggalan naik. Lalu dunia terasa lengang, lagi. Tanpa bising mereka. Tanpa maki mereka. Aku dibawa jauh oleh alat itu entah kemana. Dan aku bahagia tak kepalang. Rumah tidak senyap seperti yang kuharapkan. Malah dinding-dindingnya bernyanyi untukku. Melepas penatku. Menghapus air mataku. Mengobat hatiku.

Lalu kemudian, manusia paling tak berguna datang lebih banyak. Tempat begitu sesak. Asap rokok membludak tak terkira. Tak dapat bernapas aku ini.

Kupasang dan kupasang alat itu makin sering. Kupaksa dinding bernyanyi lebih keras dan lebih keras. Telingaku sakit tapi suara gaduh mereka bisa juga kudengar. Ingin kuasingkan diriku sendiri, tapi begitu tak ada tempat.

Ingin aku mati saja. Tapi apa suara para bangsat itu masih dapat kudengar? Bahkan setelah aku mati itu?

For you guys, keep wondering but stop asking to me!

i like him, guys
has a beautiful smile, and everything
ordinary person but amazing personality (As far as i'm concerned)
i know you won't understand the words i wrote down
since i give no clues.

i tell no one about this,
so there will be no one too to pity me when he breaks my heart
or gossip me at the back
or everything!


but really,
if there will come a time for me to talk about this,
you're the ones whom i'll let know first!
#icrossmyheart

11.5.16

So there’re always people outside that have felt as same

we're never really alone

...

what kind of "self" then i have to show?

i was there, in front of him, did something great,

he just forgot to notice

and thing like this is so much a tiring job

i've given up

...

I HOPE I CAN

do brave things like you said

but i am really a shy girl

have nothing to show than just these words

he will never understand

he just never pays attention

i'm shy, like a 1994-born-girl

its kinda natural

yes, i'll leave my story with another sad ending

i like to run away, by the way

and i do forget things, i'm used to it

11.5.16

"the one who hurt you aul,

is a waste of person,

he doesn't realize what he miss

yet,

soon he'll find out sweetie,

how much he lost."

 

#4aul

11.5.8

Pull out chairs…

I miss you.

I came to know that everything didn’t meet my expectation.

When I pushed you away, but you didn’t pull me in closer.

                                                                                                -p.puteri

11.5.8

But it’s really hurt to think about the past.

All beautiful things used to do and feel for last.

I can’t stand to remember all the things,

The way it started, proceed, and ended.

Hurtful, yes. But beautiful.

And the time really passed by,

And will keep passing by and by.

Awfully, I have a year of time to remind

Alone by myself, hopefully, right on the lake

Thinking about tired of working the most

About tears and madness

Alone while staring at the greenish blue water

At the rocky shoreline I’ll shed my tears in remembering…

                                                                                                -p.puteri

11.5.5

Do you think I will survive?

Do you think I could accomplish missions given to me?

Do you think I am enough talented to live my life in a very different way?

Do you think I won’t just give up and go down?

Do you think I really could bear through every dark cloud that comes by?

Do you think I could be dependable, struggle, and courage?

Do you think I would be just fine?

I am afraid, do you think I am ready? Truly me?

Will I do things like they’ve done successfully?

Will I meet their expectations?

Really, what do you think?